5 Reasons Why I Love Weddings

I just recently attended a wedding back home and had a blast with a bunch of old friends I haven't seen in awhile! It gave me the idea for my newest blog entry. I know marriage gets it fair share of knocks these days but when people actually take the time to get to know someone and build a strong bond before they pop the question it's a beautiful thing to see. These days people are so quick to tie the knot they tend to skip a few steps in the process and I think that's ultimately why a lot of marriages don't work. That and George Clooney is recently single giving women around the world more false hope than those random phone calls saying you've won a cruise. No Mom...it's definitely not a good idea to give them your credit card info and social insurance number! "But I read somewhere that Carnival was basically giving away cruises these days. And they were so convincing...I could hear horns in the background and what sounded like waves, lots of people too! I thought it was a little suspicious when 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion began to play though." Near, far, wheeeeeeereeeeeeeeeever you are...dammit why did Jack have to die...there was plenty of room on that raft for both of em! So selfish Rose! Damn you! I mean what?! That's another reason relationships don't work...cuz ships sink as Eminem would say! Anyways without further ado...here are 5 reasons why I love a good wedding!

1. Toonie Bar: Who doesn't love a cheap drink? Gettin' white girl wasted with your buddies, buyin rounds like you just signed a new contract with a professional sports team. I especially love it when those guys who never buy rounds at the bar become Bobby Big Wheels and start passin em out like popcorn balls on Halloween! Oh wait, that was just my house...Mom couldn't you just stick with the norm and buy a bag of Butterfingers? I couldn't even trade those on the candy market...I'd have to throw in a Crispy Crunch just to get them to take it off my hands and all I'd get is a little more space in my pillow case for real treats. Getting stuck with a popcorn ball is like having Luongo on your team's payroll! No trade clause bro!

NOTE: Pace yourself...shirts off shooters are only appropriate at the stag...not the wedding!

5 Things You Should Look For In A Mate

Here's a few things to look for when selecting a long term companion. This can apply to men, women or monkeys. It's a solid check list for guys and a 'What Not To Do" list for girls! Monkeys just like the pictures.

1. Mutual Friends: I feel like I know a lot of people these days and have met a lot of cool people along the way. With that said, I have quite the inflated friends list on Facebook which could probably use a little spring cleanin' (even though we don't get a spring here). So I'm gonna say anything over 50 mutual friends is questionable...especially if you work in the service industry. I prefer to purchase my goods at that checkout in cosmetics which nobody knows about rather than standing in line for half an hour, then wave at those dummies on the way out...if you know what I'm sayin'! Also, dig a little deeper with those mutual friends cuz numbers may be deceiving. Those mutual friends may contain...let's call it a "big fish"...and that "big fish" is connected to a whole school of fish that you know frequents your fishing pond...may wanna stick your pole in a different pond. That is all.

5 Signs You're Not Ready For Summer

1. Chunk of the Bunch: You know how every clique has that token chubby friend?  It's that moment you look around and don't see him anymore then look down at your toes...which you no longer can see...and realize you're THAT friend! But don't worry...there's still time...it's not even June yet! Hop on that treadmill, start eating clean and shed that token chubbiness. Nobody wants to be Piggy from Lord of The Flies always lookin' over his shoulder dodgin' boulders. That rhymes AND it has a hidden meaning...BOOM! Don't get me wrong...no matter what shape or size...you still love that person just as much but sometimes I think it would be nice for them to escape the pressures of having to be funny and just BE...you know?! It's got to be tiring having to win some one over with your personality all the time...smiling and nodding seems so much easier!

Snapchat: My Review

I'm sure by now everybody has downloaded the new app Snapchat! It can be quite entertaining at times! I've been using it for about a week now and this is my review!

Now Ya See It Now Ya Don't: The settings allow you to set the display time of your photo anywhere from 1-10 seconds. These subliminal messages appear so quickly you best be paying attention...it reminds me of that time I went to the movie Swordfish and Halle Barry had a topless scene. I turned my head for 2 seconds and missed it! When you miss something in a theater...it sucks! Can't PVR that shit!! I had to wait for it to come out on DVD (yeah it's an older flick)...either that or I pay an extra $12.50 to see the movie again! Halle Barry?! Hallelujah! But I was in college at the time and on a budget so unfortunately I had to wait...and plus I really wanted to see The Fast and The Furious! Snapchat can be a real tease sometimes...it can be like watching Sidney Crosby undress an entire team and score an amazing goal with no replays! Or you could open it up and be like..."This doesn't warrant a 10 second timer"...go back to your inbox while it counts down and just go on living your life. I mean I'm not gonna stare at you for 10 seconds while you lay in a hammock or while you bite into a nice juicy steak...3 seconds...that's all I need. My time is valuable...don't waste it with your own personal dog and pony show! Set your timers accordingly!

CALL ME CRAZY: 4 SIGNS WE WILL!

1. The Missed Calls: You wake up in the morning and your phone has been bombarded with an onslaught of text messages and missed calls! Your phones been gettin' more action than John Mayer! Just because your body's a Wonderland doesn't mean you can act all cray! At first glance, the context of the messages and voicemails seem like they're from two different people (let's call them Jeckueline and Hydi) but you soon realize they're from the same person...yikes! First one says "Hey babe"...next one..."Where are you?"..."Fuck you then!"..."Don't ever fucking call me again!"..."I'm sorry baby, I fucking love you!"..."You're with someone aren't you?!"..."I knew it! Typical guy!"..."Just say something babe"..."I fucking miss you!". Like WHAT THE FUCK?! ("If I say "Fuck" two more times, that's two more "Fucks" in this fucked up rhyme) RELAX Limp Bizkit!!! It's 4 in the morning...I'm sleeping! JEEEZ! If you become Jeckueline and Hydi when the sun goes down...put away your phone! Hide it well so that your clearly unstable alter ego doesn't find it and then just retrieve it in the morning! Like they say "Nothing good ever happens after 3am"!!!

8 Types of Drunk

1. The Diva: Contrary to what all you may think, this type of drunk is not just limited to the fairer sex! After a few drinks this person starts believing they're entitled to the red carpet treatment! It's like that last shot of Sourpuss went straight to their head and BOOM all of a sudden they just signed with Def Jam! They're so excited cuz they realize they finally won't have to pay for their own modelling photoshoots cuz Rolling Stone will pay for that shit now! Now they're struttin around the bar like they own the place, sneakin into random bottle service areas, photobombin' other peoples instagram moments! Complainin' that they don't eat anything but blue M&M's..."Eww...I don't do yellow or green! (c'mon...they have feelings too!)", "Tap water?! Puhleease...where's my Smart Water bitches?! Pfft!". You're not Madonna and this is not your green room! Tomorrow you're still gonna have to pay for that hot photo shoot on the hood of that muscle car that's not yours!

8 Signs She Might Be A Hot Mess

1. One Nightstand: Her nightstand has more prescription bottles than the back wall of a pharmacy. If it looks like you just spent the night in the love nest of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan…she might be a hot mess! But hey if you like a variety it’s actually like dating 3 or 4 different girls at once.  It’s quite amazing all the different moods and personalities that originate out of those little transparent orange cylinders! It’s like The Bachelor meets Intervention…that’s the reality you’d be living! PS…get her a mood ring …seriously!

8 Ways to Get a Drink at Stampede this year (or any bar)

Stampede is just around the corner folks! Here are some sure fire tips to ensure that you don't go thirsty and find yourself with an empty trough!

1. JUST THE TIP: Pretty standard! Throw a $20 bill (it's Stampede remember) in the tip jar...damn sure the next time I see ya lurking round my bar I'll pick you out of the crowd like a lucky kid at a MIchael Bublé concert!
   
   NOTE: Treat that tip jar like a parking meter...sooner or later that $20 will expire and you will have to feed the meter again!

Top 7 Instagram Pet Peeves

Every time I peruse my Instagram there's always a few photos that catch my eye and make me shake my head! I'm sure some of you can relate and may even be guilty of one or two of the following. I'm a recovering cup cake eating, selfie taking, suns out, guns out junkie myself! 

Enjoy...

1. THE COPYCAT: You post the same photo as your friend cuz you think you're way hotter than them but find out later you got crushed in the double tapped mini hearts department! You just cashed your reality cheque and it bounced! Boom!
   

My Flight to Disneyland: 24D

24D...the worst seat ever! So on my recent little adventure to find the happiest place on Earth I boarded a plane with one good arm and the other nestled into my chest comforted by the UltraSling 2! I got a little overzealous while taking a selfie and tore my bicep flexing in the mirror. I liked what was staring back at me…I blame Justin Timberlake for that! Anyways, being a big fella with long legs and bad knees (I’m literally falling apart like a slow cooked pork roast!) I pondered the idea of requesting an emergency exit row but was quickly shot down by the stewardess (I mean flight attendant…I mean stewardess…whatever) due to the fact that I only had “one able arm”…I thought my charming ways could convince her to turn a blind eye…apparently not! She must have been a lesbian…not that there’s anything wrong with that…I think they’re pretty cool…just not what I imagined my first experience with one to be like. I have a vivid imagination! I even tried to explain to her that I was a nude arm model heading down to LA for a big photo shoot and I was keeping it under wraps, protected from the elements. No dice! She said…”There’s a seat open in the back where you can rest your arm in the aisle and be out of the way” I figured Hey that doesn’t sound so bad. So I slipped away into obscurity towards the back of the plane. And there she was…in all her glory…24D!

A Word From The 30 Year Old Bartender

Once upon a time when Mark Zuckerberg was in his dorm room stealing my idea (not really but if I had a hot tub time machine…you can be damn sure that you’d be reading this little rant on LeifBook!) I heard a song by a couple of PETA supporters named Big & Rich bout saving horses and riding cowboys. Being newly single I thought to myself “Hey, that sounds awesome…I wanna save horses!” so I picked up a bar blade, a black felt hat and went got myself a job at the local country saloon! I had to start from the bottom now I’m not…like Drake! I was a barkeeps assistant…also known as the bartender’s little…umm…helper! It wasn’t a bad gig…I got to stock the bar, chill in the liquor room (literally…it was cold) and help the pretty bartenders out with math! I was a computer scientist in training and they were…well…“pretty”! I would Rain Man drink prices for them! Just blackout and BOOM…$11.50…complex calculations like that!

Is this real life?! Or just Facebook?!

Hmm...Facebook, why are you asking me if I know my pending friend requests outside of Facebook after I have responded to their request with a confirmation?! Why would I confirm them if I didn't?! Unless maybe they were really attractive randoms but still?! Do you get more points for the friends you know in real life...does it bump up your Facebook cred?! What is real life these days...peeps walkin around aimlessly with their faces buried in their smart phone tweeting slang, abbreviations, and hashtaggin nonsense?! It's fun...I get it...but does your vocabulary consist of anything not on Urban Dictionary?! What is "ur"? You're or your? Does it belong to you or are you it?! Can you even hand write your name anymore?!

Wherefore art thou Pokeo?!

It's been so long since I've received a "poke"...I'm not sure if I even remember how to do it anymore! It's been so long I think Facebook has even forgotten my sexual preference as all my "poke suggestions" are dudes! Facebook has now started to "poke" block me when I try to bring it back...saying