5 Signs You're Not Ready For Summer

1. Chunk of the Bunch: You know how every clique has that token chubby friend?  It's that moment you look around and don't see him anymore then look down at your toes...which you no longer can see...and realize you're THAT friend! But don't worry...there's still time...it's not even June yet! Hop on that treadmill, start eating clean and shed that token chubbiness. Nobody wants to be Piggy from Lord of The Flies always lookin' over his shoulder dodgin' boulders. That rhymes AND it has a hidden meaning...BOOM! Don't get me wrong...no matter what shape or size...you still love that person just as much but sometimes I think it would be nice for them to escape the pressures of having to be funny and just BE...you know?! It's got to be tiring having to win some one over with your personality all the time...smiling and nodding seems so much easier!
   
                          
2. The Bathing Suit Test: You should try on that bathing suit right now...if when you look in the mirror something that closely resembles a marshmallow with an elastic band wrapped around it is staring right back at you...you should stop listening to Justin Timberlake...you shouldn't be listening to him in the first place...then you'll just be comparing yourself to him and that's not even fair I mean he's so talented...he's a god damn triple threat! How do you compete with that?! You can't! Just don't. And stop eating marshmallows...cuz clearly "You are what you eat!" isn't just a myth...and besides the only cool marshmallow was in Ghostbusters. There won't be another installment in that series so there's no need to get ready for auditions. Thanks Bill Murray for that! So let that motivate you or get a bigger bathing suit!
   
   
   
3. The Pre-Summer Trip: Just because you spent 2 weeks doing the latest cleanse so you'd look good in that bathing suit poolside at The Palms or on a white sandy beach down in MeeeeeHico! (Mexico...for you pretty people) doesn't mean you're ready for summer! Vegas...maybe?! Only cuz most people have one meal, don't sleep, and are more dehydrated than a bag of those tasty mango chips! So there's a good chance when you return home you may look like you just finished a season of Survivor: Vegas! However, Mexico is a different story! I'm pretty sure you may have gone to the gym the first day you were there...being all ambitious and shit...but then spent the next week taking advantage of your all inclusive privileges! Gotta get your money's worth...right?! Just destroying the breakfast, lunch, and dinner buffets and intravenously consuming sugary slush cocktails throughout the day! By mid week you're just layin' there tryin' to get your tan on but now you've got tourists mistaking you for an an Orca Whale washed up on shore and comin' over buggin' you for a photo op...next thing you know you're on Facebook tagged as Baby Shamu! Start your detox...I know you've already told every person you know that's what you're doing for the next month!
   
   
   
4. You're Out of Breath Reading This: Get that cardio up! Start taking the stairs at work or park further away from the front doors at Walmart...little things like this make a big difference in your overall health! If you're sweatin' like Johnny Depp when he's runnin' suitcases through customs in the movie Blow just from getting dressed in the morning you might want to get that heel-toe express up and running a little more often! You don't wanna be wearin t-shirts in the wave pool...not a good look!
   
                       
   
5. Do You Even Lift Bro?!: You're getting asked this often...and you realize it's no longer in a sarcastic way! If people start wondering if you recently retired from professional sports cuz you're sporting that Keith Tkachuk or Mike Tyson bod (their bod now...not their prime time one)...this is another sign you should be coming out of jacked n tanned retirement and making a comeback! Get back in that gym...and eliminate the question mark from that statement! DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRO!!! DUH! DUMB QUESTION! NEXT?! BOOM!
   
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   Any other signs you're not ready for summer?! Let me know in the comments below! Just a little motivation for anyone lookin' for it! It is that time of year again folks! Get healthy!