5 Things You Should Look For In A Mate

Here's a few things to look for when selecting a long term companion. This can apply to men, women or monkeys. It's a solid check list for guys and a 'What Not To Do" list for girls! Monkeys just like the pictures.

1. Mutual Friends: I feel like I know a lot of people these days and have met a lot of cool people along the way. With that said, I have quite the inflated friends list on Facebook which could probably use a little spring cleanin' (even though we don't get a spring here). So I'm gonna say anything over 50 mutual friends is questionable...especially if you work in the service industry. I prefer to purchase my goods at that checkout in cosmetics which nobody knows about rather than standing in line for half an hour, then wave at those dummies on the way out...if you know what I'm sayin'! Also, dig a little deeper with those mutual friends cuz numbers may be deceiving. Those mutual friends may contain...let's call it a "big fish"...and that "big fish" is connected to a whole school of fish that you know frequents your fishing pond...may wanna stick your pole in a different pond. That is all.
   
2. Career Goals: Don't get me wrong, it's great if you're a hostess at Earls or The Keg...if you're 18 and just figuring out what you want to do in life! You should be lookin' for someone who's in school or starting out/established in a career...one that won't result in them standing in the unemployment line post grad. They don't have to have gone to school either but should have some direction, independence, and or goals in mind. It ain't the 50's babe...you don't live in Orange County, Beverly Hills, or New Jersey...a housewife is not a goal...it's a fantasy! Life isn't just one big Tupperware party! Snap back to reality (Eminem voice) and set some goals! You can still watch Mad Men on Netflix and dream big but don't rely on it! It's hard enough gettin' by on your own this day and age...you don't need to tack on a free loader who doesn't contribute. "I know you'd reach for your wallet honey (deep inside that designer bag...so deep she can never find it...it's like a black hole in there)...if you had anything in it!"
   
3. The Cheez Whiz: She's gotta add personality to the equation! Sure she can be nice to look at but so are paintings and well...strippers! If she's got zero to no personality you may as well shack up with an actual ball and chain...like physically attach a real one to your leg and lug that around for the rest of your life or these days up until "the 7 year itch" period. If that ball and chain made ya laugh, had something meaningful to say, embraced you in striking conversation, and occasionally talked dirty to you...you'd be more inclined to keep luggin' that thing around! And if that ball and chain had a little chain wallet with some money in it every now and then...you could find some cream for that "7 year itch" and deal with it!
   
   
   

   

   A Tad Overprotective?

4. The Mom Test: Now I know it only matters if YOU care about the person you're with cuz ultimately it's YOUR relationship and nobody else really knows what goes on. But trust me...it's so much easier if the person you're with is likable! Not everybody has to like them (just because she gets a lot of "likes" on Facebook doesn't mean she's likable). Mom's seem to have this uncanny sixth sense that is Nostradamus like in nature...more accurate than JoJo's Psychic Alliance...that just knows if she's the one...or if you should be movin' "On to The Next One!" She only wants what's best for you and you never have to question that so don't...I know all Mom's aren't created equal but for the most part they do have your best interests at heart! That fear of losing you may cloud their judgment at times so take it with a grain of salt...just be aware! If your Mom AND your friends don't like her...maybe you should be leaving your current agent and signing with Jay-Z! Jigga, jigga, what?!
   
5. Recreational Fun: If this means something other than joining a bowling league on Sundays or a beach volleyball team on Wednesdays then you may wanna just fold your hand before you even see the flop. Cuz it's gonna flop...and you're not gonna like what you see! I know nobody likes a "square"...people still say that right?! Personally, I can be such a card sometimes! I believe you need to find another card that matches so you can make a decent pair. A 7, 2 off suit is not a good starting hand in poker and won't be a good one in real life! (Urban Dictionary: Card - A word that old people use to say you have a unique personality) Fuck you Urban Dictionary and thank you also! But seriously, I think a lot of problems arise from certain recreational activities and put unnecessary stress on relationships. The Cheez Whiz goes bad so to speak in some people and it's not pretty. If that's your cup of tea then make sure you can handle the ups and downs. If not...don't even get on the roller coaster to begin with! Stick to Six Flags bro!
   
   SHALLOW THINGS TO LOOK FOR:
   
   Do They Look Good Naked?
   - Photoshop can't help you here!
   
   Do They Have Lots of Money or Status?
   - "She take my money, when I'm in neeeed!"
   
   Are They Well Endowed? 
   - Do you make the BBM surprise face?
   
   Do They Have A Big Truck If They're Not Well Endowed?
   - Tire Biter prerequisite.

If anybody has any other things to look for in a mate please let me know in the comments below!

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