5 Reasons Why I Love Weddings

I just recently attended a wedding back home and had a blast with a bunch of old friends I haven't seen in awhile! It gave me the idea for my newest blog entry. I know marriage gets it fair share of knocks these days but when people actually take the time to get to know someone and build a strong bond before they pop the question it's a beautiful thing to see. These days people are so quick to tie the knot they tend to skip a few steps in the process and I think that's ultimately why a lot of marriages don't work. That and George Clooney is recently single giving women around the world more false hope than those random phone calls saying you've won a cruise. No Mom...it's definitely not a good idea to give them your credit card info and social insurance number! "But I read somewhere that Carnival was basically giving away cruises these days. And they were so convincing...I could hear horns in the background and what sounded like waves, lots of people too! I thought it was a little suspicious when 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion began to play though." Near, far, wheeeeeeereeeeeeeeeever you are...dammit why did Jack have to die...there was plenty of room on that raft for both of em! So selfish Rose! Damn you! I mean what?! That's another reason relationships don't work...cuz ships sink as Eminem would say! Anyways without further ado...here are 5 reasons why I love a good wedding!

1. Toonie Bar: Who doesn't love a cheap drink? Gettin' white girl wasted with your buddies, buyin rounds like you just signed a new contract with a professional sports team. I especially love it when those guys who never buy rounds at the bar become Bobby Big Wheels and start passin em out like popcorn balls on Halloween! Oh wait, that was just my house...Mom couldn't you just stick with the norm and buy a bag of Butterfingers? I couldn't even trade those on the candy market...I'd have to throw in a Crispy Crunch just to get them to take it off my hands and all I'd get is a little more space in my pillow case for real treats. Getting stuck with a popcorn ball is like having Luongo on your team's payroll! No trade clause bro!

NOTE: Pace yourself...shirts off shooters are only appropriate at the stag...not the wedding!

2. Suit Up: I love to dress up like 007 and sip martinis when I'm thirstaaay. But nothins worse than throwin on that suit for a special occasion and feeling like you just squeezed all the toothpaste to the top of the tube. Nothin sexier than a muffin top in the middle of summer! It's like watchin the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man get bear hugged by Brock Lesnar. Not a pretty sight...and if you're stayin up all night to get lucky you better be takin those suit pants off first! Regardless of the snug fit, a Facebook profile pic sporting that sharp look is worth at least 3-5 extra likes! BOOM!

3. Stag/Stagette: This is usually one of my favorite byproducts of a wedding when done right. It's basically the last supper of singlehood. When I say this I'm not referring to behaving like a single guy and picking up chicks which is essentially impossible for them at this point because they are so out of practice and have used up all their go-to moves in getting this girl of their dreams to wifey up! I mean it's pretty much like Mel Gibson waking up in 'Forever Young' and stumbling across Suzanne Somers showing off her thigh master skill set...they just don't know what to do! Basically it's one of the last times you and all your closest friends can get together and party like it's 1999 before life gets in the way for good. Things will change after that...it's inevitable.

NOTE: No strippers were harmed in the writing of this blog.

4. The Bouquet/Garter Toss: Now this is where the actions at! The Bride always cheats and tries throwin it to her friend who's been in that long ass relationship just wishin her man would pop the question already. This is obviously conspired earlier in attempts to give her man a push in the right direction or off that proverbial cliff into the lake of "We're really doin it Harry! We're really doin it!" The part I love is for every friend like that there's one that's so competitive that she'll fight for that bouquet...she'll tear herself and everyone around her for that bouquet...she'll CLAW with her freshly did nails for that bouquet because that's what makes the fuckin difference between HAPPY and LONELY. Stand back and enjoy while she hip tosses the other participants like Steven Segal in 'Out For Justice' and attacks that bouquet like a pack of guard dogs on a fresh piece of sirloin (unfortunately there's no sleeping pills in the bouquet). She always wins...don't bet against her or you'll be buyin rounds at the Toonie bar for your buddies. The garter toss is pretty uneventful...all the single guys just part like the red sea when it gets flung in their direction. Dodgin bullets like Neo in 'The Matrix' lettin that sexy little piece of lingerie drop like it's hot! There's always some poor bastard that picks it up cuz it's the right thing to do and then ends up having to thwart the advances of that bouquet hungry bridesmaid the rest of the night! If you're that guy...don't leave your rape whistle at home. You may need it!

5. Speeches: I don't think anyone can ever beat that "True Love is Blind" speech from Old School but I've definitely witnessed some classic speeches over the years. Nothing better than watching friends and family roast the newly married couple. It's even better when they approach that offside line and trip right over it. You know that one comment which leaves the room silent and everyone reaching to pick their jaws up off the table? And you're like "Oh Mylanta...did they just say that?!" I love that shit! You know that Toonie bar was gettin some action earlier...liquid courage? Liquid awesome! Did her Dad just bring up her "Freshman 20" or that night in jail when she shared a bunk bed with Melissa McCarthy's body double? And jeez I thought it was only the "Freshman 15"...someone wasn't sharing those boxes of KD in college! With all that said, most speeches end with some kind words and water works. It's a proud moment for anyone (who is obviously close to the bride or groom) when they're standing at that podium sharing their experiences with everyone and it can get a little emotional...I mean dusty...the room gets real dusty and I have allergies...it's really bad. Damn dust...where's Swiffer when ya need it!

I'd like to thank all of my friends who have ever invited me to their wedding in the past! It truly does mean a lot to know that you consider me a good enough friend that you want me to be part of your special day. I'll chicken dance to that anytime! And if I missed it...I'll be at the next one! ;) BOOM!

PS. Plus 1? If you're unsure leave it blank...it's silly to bring sand to the beach! And the bride and groom will appreciate you saving them money on an extra dinner plate for someone they barely know!

If anybody has some really good wedding stories let me know in the comments below!

If you like it, "like" it! If you love it, "share" it! BOOM