Once upon a time when Mark Zuckerberg was in his dorm room stealing my idea (not really but if I had a hot tub time machine…you can be damn sure that you’d be reading this little rant on LeifBook!) I heard a song by a couple of PETA supporters named Big & Rich bout saving horses and riding cowboys. Being newly single I thought to myself “Hey, that sounds awesome…I wanna save horses!” so I picked up a bar blade, a black felt hat and went got myself a job at the local country saloon! I had to start from the bottom now I’m not…like Drake! I was a barkeeps assistant…also known as the bartender’s little…umm…helper! It wasn’t a bad gig…I got to stock the bar, chill in the liquor room (literally…it was cold) and help the pretty bartenders out with math! I was a computer scientist in training and they were…well…“pretty”! I would Rain Man drink prices for them! Just blackout and BOOM…$11.50…complex calculations like that!
I also used to cut the sleeves off my uniform cuz I thought I was jacked…but I kinda was! Oh metabolism how I miss you! It reminds me of that Janet Jackson song “You Don’t Know What You Got Till It’s Gone!” Don’t take Miss Metabolism for granted! Remember that, all you up and comin bartender studs in your early 20’s who chirp me for being distinguished and soft. I’m a better cuddler now…I’ve evolved! Besides who wants to cuddle with a hard, pointy rock!? I’ll tell ya who…shallow people…and I’m not shallow at all! “And the lie detector says…that is a lie” (Maury Povich voice). Pffft anyways…now I wear sleeves. Next I got promoted to bartending and ladies night because I was a really hard worker and good at my job…ok…”that is also a lie!” I was just lucky enough to be tall, ridiculously good looking and have a really good Face The Jury profile pic! Thank you society! Life was good…workin my way through school so I could get that 8 year Van Wilder BSc. Oh how I remember the days of 25 year old cougars…now that just sounds weird! Now it’s just like “Rock a bye baby…hey, where’d she go?!” PS. That’s a reference to robbing the cradle for all you “pretty” bartenders out there! If a fellow bartender says to me “Hey bud…check her out!” I’m all like…”Hey bro! That’s somebody’s daughter! Eww.” “That is also lie!”...fuck off Maury! Nowadays I’ve learned a trick on how to narrow down an age range…just look at the guys she’s with…if they look like Malcolm in the Middle’s ProActiv BEFORE picture…chances are they were building popsicle stick houses when you first discovered that a HIGHBALL had many different possibilities! I’m so good at it now I’m like Charlie in Two and Half Men “Fake, real, fake, fake, real…” I’ve got that ability down too by the way! Back in the day there used to be so many different shots to mix! Pornstars, Dirty Hookers, Sex on the Beach, Buttery Nipples, Orgasms…shit I’m hard! I mean shoot! Ahhhh Kelly Clarkson! Ok I’m good! Anyways…If I had a dollar for every person who came up to my bar with a finger mustache these past few years…I WOULDN’T BE BARTENDING! I’d be chillin with Mark Zuckerberg somewhere HOT! On that note …c’mon you drunk messes…get creative! Mix it up a little…surprise me…get on Google and learn a few shots to add to your repertoire! Or hell, make up a new one…the Zach Galifianakis…I don’t even know what you’d put in it…but it sure would be fun to hear people comin up, tryin to say it! We need to bring back the Sicilian Kisses, Alabama Slammers and Blowjobs…ahh shit I’m hard again! Damn you Cialis! Yeah I’m 30 remember…beat it! What I’m trying to say is just switch it up a little and introduce some variety back into your life (who doesn’t like variety…wink, wink)…and if you find my Miss Metabolism along the way…I don’t wanna know how she’s doing! I’m just gonna pour out a little Zach Galifianakis for her and go on living my life…being soft and distinguished and awesome! BOOM!
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