Stampede is just around the corner folks! Here are some sure fire tips to ensure that you don't go thirsty and find yourself with an empty trough!
- JUST THE TIP: Pretty standard! Throw a $20 bill (it's Stampede remember) in the tip jar...damn sure the next time I see ya lurking round my bar I'll pick you out of the crowd like a lucky kid at a MIchael Bublé concert!
NOTE: Treat that tip jar like a parking meter...sooner or later that $20 will expire and you will have to feed the meter again! - BE ATTRACTIVE: Chances are if you're really, really good looooooking...you're gonna get noticed sooner! I didn't make the rules...I blame the media and Tom Brady! Luckily with poor lighting and copious amounts of booze being distributed we've done our job of leveling the playing field for those less fortunate in the looks department! GET SOME!
- HAVE BOOBS OR KITTENS: Those things cheer anyone up! DUH!
NOTE: Must be nice boobs! Not ones with super highway gaps or ones that look like you got them with a coupon when you were on vacation in Tijuana - CONCEAL YOUR BRITISH ACCENT: "ARE YOU FROM LOOONDON?!" If so...hide it and hide it well! Or surprise us and adhere to Rule #1 and we'll treat you like Prince Harry the next time you you come up for a cocktail (I just said "cocktail" in a British accent!). He get's treated quite well by the barmaids in Calgary if you haven't heard...Google it!
- THE SLINGSHOT: Get a sling for your arm...even if you don't need it! This will slingshot you to the front of the line! Trust me on this! (I'm coming off of bicep surgery). It's a natural human reaction to feel sympathetic towards someone who appears to be at a disadvantage! Everybody cheers for the underdog...milk it!
NOTE:Next time you go to Disneyland! Throw one in your bag, put it on, and go get yo self a handi-pass! Dreams do come true when you appear feeble! When yoooooooou wish uuuupon a staaaar!!!
WORK THE BALL EXTRA FOR QUICKER SERVICE!
- BE OLD AND CUTE: Betty White be gettin a drank! Just the fact that she's out and minglin' and havin fun at that age is amazing! I'll even buy her one...a Burt Reynolds! Cuz I know she's seen Deliverance! Kid's nowadays just think he's that guy from The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler (PS...it's a remake! He was also the original! The what?!) Get cultured!
SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!
- PUT DOWN THE GLOW STICK: I Know that sometimes there's a DJ spinnin' but this ain't a rave peeps! You come up to the bar sweatin' and wavin' your glow stick like we're your never ending source of hydration! It takes us time to pour you water! So if you don't plan on tippin' there's a tap in the bathroom! Drink up!
- BE ATTRACTIVE, HAVE BOOBS, AND TIP: I don't even care if "You're from Looondon!" Line em' up!!! I call this the triple threat...
4 THINGS THAT WON'T GET YOU A DRINK...
Snappin' yo fingers...this ain't Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Carlton!
Waving money...that $100 bill looks nice till you ask for exact change! Baller!
Winking...this isn't a BBM convo, I'll just think you're weird or have turrets! Shiiiiiiiiit, fuck, asslicker! Back of the line!
It's your birthday?! Right on...Happy Birthday! Here's a free shot of nothing!
You used to be a bartender? Cool...where at?! Boston Pizza? Doesn't count!!
Shouting...stop projecting on me! If I wanted to be yelled at I wouldn't be bartending...I'd be married!
What do you do to get noticed at the bar when you want a drink?! Let me know in the comments below! And if you like this, "like" it, if you love it..."share" it! BOOM!
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