24D...the worst seat ever! So on my recent little adventure to find the happiest place on Earth I boarded a plane with one good arm and the other nestled into my chest comforted by the UltraSling 2! I got a little overzealous while taking a selfie and tore my bicep flexing in the mirror. I liked what was staring back at me…I blame Justin Timberlake for that! Anyways, being a big fella with long legs and bad knees (I’m literally falling apart like a slow cooked pork roast!) I pondered the idea of requesting an emergency exit row but was quickly shot down by the stewardess (I mean flight attendant…I mean stewardess…whatever) due to the fact that I only had “one able arm”…I thought my charming ways could convince her to turn a blind eye…apparently not! She must have been a lesbian…not that there’s anything wrong with that…I think they’re pretty cool…just not what I imagined my first experience with one to be like. I have a vivid imagination! I even tried to explain to her that I was a nude arm model heading down to LA for a big photo shoot and I was keeping it under wraps, protected from the elements. No dice! She said…”There’s a seat open in the back where you can rest your arm in the aisle and be out of the way” I figured Hey that doesn’t sound so bad. So I slipped away into obscurity towards the back of the plane. And there she was…in all her glory…24D!
I sat down and made myself at home…there was only one seat next to me and in it sat a woman, with dark skin, dark hair, a pleasant smile and legs for days…ok…that’s not what she looked at all! But like the late Kokanee Ranger used to say “Dare to dream, Arnold…dare to dream!” I unfortunately wasn’t that lucky and she happened to be a “Chatty Cathy”…the type of person you dread on these flights. Like c'mon! My eyes are closed, my headphones are in (but not on), and I’m even counterfeit snoring! I now know how women at the gym feel when they’re trying to work out! I would rather listen to a mix tape of Steve Urkell and Peewee Herman rapping over a bassline of Fran Drescher’s laugh than to subject myself to a “Chatty Cathy” on any flight longer than 45 minutes! At least when I fly home to Kelowna it’s like hopping in a time travelling Delorean and I get 15 minutes of my life back! Not in this case! So as I’m trying to fraudulently slumber I realize that my “unable arm” is dangling out in the middle of the aisle being subjected to a dangerous game of bumper cars with airline beverage carts! If I wanted to constantly be knocked around like a tetherball during recess I’d go to Spain for The Running of the Bulls or check out Walmart on Black Friday! I didn’t sign up for this! The stewardesses didn’t even say they were sorry…I don’t think they were Canadian!
I’m not sure if you’ve ever sat in the very back of the plane but there is very little legroom. As it was I couldn’t recline my seat cuz it was up against the wall. My knees were already up in my chest! I was a couple ribs removed from a chance at a self blowie and low and behold who else is sitting directly in front of me but Jabba the freaking Hutt! Of course! With his seat full reclined slumped back into his chair with no regard for anyone around him! Snoring for reals and constantly adjusting his made for Disneyland physique! I had to slide down my chair and tuck my chin in just to get a glimpse of the pay per view flick on my shitty lil TV screen. I felt like I was watching scrambled porn! I mean what?! Finally after last call I could relax…I may have crushed a few airplane cocktails to get me there…but things were better! UNTIL…everybody on the plane had the same epiphany and figured “Hey maybe I should break the seal before we start our descent”! The herd made their mad dash to the back of the plane…I swear I felt the nose of the plane angle up and the tail dip…I wasn’t in Disneyland yet…I didn’t want to go on any rides! I needed more time to prepare! As the line-up grew I thought to myself is this how a professional hockey player feels when he’s out on the town trying to enjoy a nice dinner (Not a Canuck though! Nobody likes them). Then as soon as the lavatory door swung open the thought of dinner instantly disappeared and I began pondering to myself “What did this guy have for breakfast?!? SICK!!!” One after another…door swinging, scents wafting in or around my mouth I found myself making a game out of it…”1, 1, oh that’s a 2…definitely a 2!” You get extra points for a diaper…that’s like a shutout in fantasy hockey! After a while the line subsided and the seatbelt light went on we were finally beginning our descent!
We landed and while everybody on the plane stood up and started getting their bags the STEWARDESSES decided to get a head start on cleaning and those dreaded lavatory doors swung open again! I was stuck, unable to move, engulfed in an invisible cloud of stench while the other passengers gathered their belongings free of any overpowering odors other than California oranges and fresh fried Churros! Really?! You just could not wait?! C’MON! Alas, when the poo particles settled I stood up and reached into the overhead compartment. I grabbed my Indiana Jones satchel and put on my Goofy Hat and went on my way! I was in need of a happy place more than anything! And I found it! Thank you Mickey, Minnie and Ariel (especially Ariel…wink, wink) for the valuable therapy! The scars have since healed but I still hate you 24D! If I had my way you would be removed quicker than the 13th floor on the Tower of Terror! NEVER AGAIN will I sit on your face!
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