5 Reasons Why I Love Weddings

I just recently attended a wedding back home and had a blast with a bunch of old friends I haven't seen in awhile! It gave me the idea for my newest blog entry. I know marriage gets it fair share of knocks these days but when people actually take the time to get to know someone and build a strong bond before they pop the question it's a beautiful thing to see. These days people are so quick to tie the knot they tend to skip a few steps in the process and I think that's ultimately why a lot of marriages don't work. That and George Clooney is recently single giving women around the world more false hope than those random phone calls saying you've won a cruise. No Mom...it's definitely not a good idea to give them your credit card info and social insurance number! "But I read somewhere that Carnival was basically giving away cruises these days. And they were so convincing...I could hear horns in the background and what sounded like waves, lots of people too! I thought it was a little suspicious when 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion began to play though." Near, far, wheeeeeeereeeeeeeeeever you are...dammit why did Jack have to die...there was plenty of room on that raft for both of em! So selfish Rose! Damn you! I mean what?! That's another reason relationships don't work...cuz ships sink as Eminem would say! Anyways without further ado...here are 5 reasons why I love a good wedding!

1. Toonie Bar: Who doesn't love a cheap drink? Gettin' white girl wasted with your buddies, buyin rounds like you just signed a new contract with a professional sports team. I especially love it when those guys who never buy rounds at the bar become Bobby Big Wheels and start passin em out like popcorn balls on Halloween! Oh wait, that was just my house...Mom couldn't you just stick with the norm and buy a bag of Butterfingers? I couldn't even trade those on the candy market...I'd have to throw in a Crispy Crunch just to get them to take it off my hands and all I'd get is a little more space in my pillow case for real treats. Getting stuck with a popcorn ball is like having Luongo on your team's payroll! No trade clause bro!

NOTE: Pace yourself...shirts off shooters are only appropriate at the stag...not the wedding!

5 Things You Should Look For In A Mate

Here's a few things to look for when selecting a long term companion. This can apply to men, women or monkeys. It's a solid check list for guys and a 'What Not To Do" list for girls! Monkeys just like the pictures.

1. Mutual Friends: I feel like I know a lot of people these days and have met a lot of cool people along the way. With that said, I have quite the inflated friends list on Facebook which could probably use a little spring cleanin' (even though we don't get a spring here). So I'm gonna say anything over 50 mutual friends is questionable...especially if you work in the service industry. I prefer to purchase my goods at that checkout in cosmetics which nobody knows about rather than standing in line for half an hour, then wave at those dummies on the way out...if you know what I'm sayin'! Also, dig a little deeper with those mutual friends cuz numbers may be deceiving. Those mutual friends may contain...let's call it a "big fish"...and that "big fish" is connected to a whole school of fish that you know frequents your fishing pond...may wanna stick your pole in a different pond. That is all.

5 Signs You're Not Ready For Summer

1. Chunk of the Bunch: You know how every clique has that token chubby friend?  It's that moment you look around and don't see him anymore then look down at your toes...which you no longer can see...and realize you're THAT friend! But don't worry...there's still time...it's not even June yet! Hop on that treadmill, start eating clean and shed that token chubbiness. Nobody wants to be Piggy from Lord of The Flies always lookin' over his shoulder dodgin' boulders. That rhymes AND it has a hidden meaning...BOOM! Don't get me wrong...no matter what shape or size...you still love that person just as much but sometimes I think it would be nice for them to escape the pressures of having to be funny and just BE...you know?! It's got to be tiring having to win some one over with your personality all the time...smiling and nodding seems so much easier!

Snapchat: My Review

I'm sure by now everybody has downloaded the new app Snapchat! It can be quite entertaining at times! I've been using it for about a week now and this is my review!

Now Ya See It Now Ya Don't: The settings allow you to set the display time of your photo anywhere from 1-10 seconds. These subliminal messages appear so quickly you best be paying attention...it reminds me of that time I went to the movie Swordfish and Halle Barry had a topless scene. I turned my head for 2 seconds and missed it! When you miss something in a theater...it sucks! Can't PVR that shit!! I had to wait for it to come out on DVD (yeah it's an older flick)...either that or I pay an extra $12.50 to see the movie again! Halle Barry?! Hallelujah! But I was in college at the time and on a budget so unfortunately I had to wait...and plus I really wanted to see The Fast and The Furious! Snapchat can be a real tease sometimes...it can be like watching Sidney Crosby undress an entire team and score an amazing goal with no replays! Or you could open it up and be like..."This doesn't warrant a 10 second timer"...go back to your inbox while it counts down and just go on living your life. I mean I'm not gonna stare at you for 10 seconds while you lay in a hammock or while you bite into a nice juicy steak...3 seconds...that's all I need. My time is valuable...don't waste it with your own personal dog and pony show! Set your timers accordingly!

CALL ME CRAZY: 4 SIGNS WE WILL!

1. The Missed Calls: You wake up in the morning and your phone has been bombarded with an onslaught of text messages and missed calls! Your phones been gettin' more action than John Mayer! Just because your body's a Wonderland doesn't mean you can act all cray! At first glance, the context of the messages and voicemails seem like they're from two different people (let's call them Jeckueline and Hydi) but you soon realize they're from the same person...yikes! First one says "Hey babe"...next one..."Where are you?"..."Fuck you then!"..."Don't ever fucking call me again!"..."I'm sorry baby, I fucking love you!"..."You're with someone aren't you?!"..."I knew it! Typical guy!"..."Just say something babe"..."I fucking miss you!". Like WHAT THE FUCK?! ("If I say "Fuck" two more times, that's two more "Fucks" in this fucked up rhyme) RELAX Limp Bizkit!!! It's 4 in the morning...I'm sleeping! JEEEZ! If you become Jeckueline and Hydi when the sun goes down...put away your phone! Hide it well so that your clearly unstable alter ego doesn't find it and then just retrieve it in the morning! Like they say "Nothing good ever happens after 3am"!!!

8 Types of Drunk

1. The Diva: Contrary to what all you may think, this type of drunk is not just limited to the fairer sex! After a few drinks this person starts believing they're entitled to the red carpet treatment! It's like that last shot of Sourpuss went straight to their head and BOOM all of a sudden they just signed with Def Jam! They're so excited cuz they realize they finally won't have to pay for their own modelling photoshoots cuz Rolling Stone will pay for that shit now! Now they're struttin around the bar like they own the place, sneakin into random bottle service areas, photobombin' other peoples instagram moments! Complainin' that they don't eat anything but blue M&M's..."Eww...I don't do yellow or green! (c'mon...they have feelings too!)", "Tap water?! Puhleease...where's my Smart Water bitches?! Pfft!". You're not Madonna and this is not your green room! Tomorrow you're still gonna have to pay for that hot photo shoot on the hood of that muscle car that's not yours!